This is a long one.. saddle up, grab a glass of wine, or a cup of coffee.

13 years. For 13 years I have set my alarm to 5am. I started my career in education when living in New York City on the upper east side and teaching in Washington Heights – thanks to a good friend who connected me with their mom. I worked as  SETSS – Special Education Teacher Support Service where I pulled students out of class to give them instruction in reading, writing and math based on their plans. I worked with kiddos in the 2nd grade to the 4th grade. After my first year in that school, it was unfortunately my last as New York had a last in first out policy for when they were making budget cuts. Feeling down and out, I networked again and my cousin put me in touch with the principal in her school where I became a Special Ed teacher to a bridge 7th-8th grade class in the Bronx. During my time there, I got married and moved to Connecticut. The commute was painful and I again searched around until I landed in a private school in Greenwich. My certification was in New York but going to a private school gave me time to get my certification in Connecticut. I had 2 kids while at the private school and an opportunity came out of nowhere to head over to Stamford to the high school I had attended when I was a kid. I started mid year working with 9-12 graders teaching Academic Support, English class and co-taught classes. I had a roommate there (we shared a classroom) who was the opposite of me. She was quiet, short, and one of the highlights of my time at that school. While we were complete opposites, we had so much in common between being new moms, having similar past work experiences and finding ourselves back in our home-town county. I got to the point where I needed to expand past the classroom.

I needed the next step to reach even more students. I went into Compliance. Not your typical position in a district, but a typical one in Stamford. I was paired up with schools to support them during the PPT process and checking their IEPs to make sure they aligned with laws and procedures. This is when I realized that my love of Special Education was exploding. I worked for a Director and Assistant Directors who opened my eyes to a whole new world, working with the state, planning and making decisions that impact a large district, constantly problem solving. What I have learned from them is not something any school can teach you. Just like law, there are situations in special education that can open up discussions of trying to define the line in areas that seem gray. The Director and Assistant Directors challenged me, pushed my thinking and guided me to find the answers. I was in this role for a few years and an opportunity arose to head over to another district as an Assistant Director myself, an opportunity I strived for and could not pass up.

I joined the district excited to be working with the high school and middle school. I now sat in a seat that I got to lead the discussion and push my teams to think and find their answers, just as my asst. directors and director did to me.  I was giving the work and opportunity everything I had. Still setting my alarm at 5 am, leaving by 6:15am – maybe seeing one of my kids start to open their sleepy eyes – and arriving at my desk by 6:40. Sorting through emails. Preparing for meetings. Checking over documents. Before I could blink, 4pm would roll around, then 4:30, then 5. If I wanted to see my boys, at all, I had to draw a line with myself and get in my car to go home. Making it just in time for bath and bed (or a kiss goodnight to my 3 year old) I was beginning to see that on a given work week I was seeing my children for a collective 2 hours. I tried to create boundaries but it is extremely difficult in education – you pour your heart into caring for the students – at the detriment of the time with your own kids. I watched emails go by for volunteer opportunities at my son’s elementary school. I sighed at every text message that I had to send my husband or our nanny about something THEY had to do for the boys that I was going to be unable to do. I cried when I realized that my 5 year old is headed to kindergarten next year and I knew deep down he was not ready and needed ME. It is when a defining moment of my life that my husband and I sat down and had to truly understand what was going to be best. What is best for my boys. For me. For my husband. For my FAMILY. I came to the heart breaking, difficult decision to finally admit to myself that juggling both was just not feasible and had that hard conversation with my director that I had to step away from supporting the special education students of the district and step up to supporting my children and family.

Today, my last day, I woke up and people asked me if I was happy. It is beyond comprehension to explain that I wasn’t – but I was not sad either. I was torn between the students I was helping and their families, the connections I had made with the staff and the happiness that gave me and the love that I have for my own children. I came into the building doing my normal routines. Sat in my last meetings. Filed the last of my paperwork. Put all of my devices together to return them. I went around saying goodbye to all of my colleagues and then it happened. It was time to walk out of the door for the last time. The last time with that school. The last time with that district. The last time in education. I walked down the stairs emotionally tearing at leaving what I have dedicated my life to for 13 years but also had a slight grin that I am going to have the ability to be a Mom and be there for my kids. Even writing this gets me teary eyed and reflective of ALL of the people I am proud to have worked with and who continue to devote their time and energy to the betterment of students.

 

To the staff (teachers, administrators, custodial staff, paraeducators, lunch crew, secretaries, security, bus drivers) at PS 98, MSPS280, EHS, WHS, SHS, Cloonan, Dolan, AITE, Newfield, SPS, WHS and WMS – THANK YOU for teaching me. For working with me. For laughing with me. For inspiring me. For motivating me. Thank you. Goodbye, for now – I am headed towards the new chapter of my life, the one where the main characters are my family and the alarm does not go off at 5am.